Spectral Insights July 2024

I Stood in a Mildly Breezy Afternoon During Cottonwood Season Pretending to Be In a Ghibli Movie, And Here Is What It Taught Me About The Importance of Personal Space in the Workplace

By Altessa Amhuluk­

It was a semi-cloudy May day and the cottonwood was flittering around me on a gentle breeze as I imagined I was on a Ghibli-style farm about to start my day’s hard but rewarding work when it hit me. This small quiet moment is what we all need in the workplace to help combat our dangerously non-capitalist thoughts of selling all our belongings and buying a small homestead in the pacific northwest.

            I get it, modern farmhouse decor is whimsical and alluring, but if we give in what will happen to our productivity levels? How will we be able to afford the corgi’s special dietary natural food and grooming? That farm life won’t cut it and if we all gave in our society would collapse.

            With the watchful eyes of management, the problem with chit-chat in the workplace has already been solved but distraction from productivity continues as a pandemic on office life. The reason? Boomer apparitions who just won’t stop hanging out by your cubicle asking dumb questions and making bad jokes. The best way to increase our productivity and gain peace of mind is to solve the deeper problem, infestations of boomer ghosts.

            I made sure to tell my boss immediately about my findings and we got an EctoWash assessment within a few days. Turns out we could get rid of the ghosts and get upkeep at a reasonable price. After just a few weeks my productivity has skyrocketed, and I haven’t even had to leave my desk for breaks because there are no more boomer ghosts telling me to stop eating avocado toast and have a baby already. So get out there and get your productivity back on track, if not for yourself, do it for the corgis!

Do it for the Corgis!

Aura Guide

• Blue – Don’t walk backwards down those stairs no matter how tempted you are this week to avoid colliding with a curmudgeon type apparition who will not shut up about their allergies. Sleep with a bar of cottonwood delight soap just in case. 
• Red – That balloon was in fact not there yesterday. Immediately buy sage soap for every room in your house. 
• Orange – A hacker will leave you a love letter on your desktop sticky notes. This is a trick to hack your feelings by a tech bro ghost! Don’t take the risk, sleep with a bar of masculine musk style cedarwood soap tonight.
• Yellow – Pet all the dogs at the dog park or suffer the consequences. Also, purchase a new dog toy along with peanut butter scented soap to avoid cat demon infestation (they’ve already started plotting their attack, hurry!)
• Green – Do not look directly at milks and/or milk substitutes in fridges for the next 5 days. If you fall into temptation, sleep with goat’s milk and honey soap for 2 weeks.

Squirrels are sly and suspiciously too quick for having such tiny legs. They often look like the corgi’s of the wild life proportion wise. Yet they don’t have the same vibe at all. Why am I certain they have made a pact with the devil? I mean why else would they need so many nuts? 

            While the squirrels are out gathering their hoards of nuts other animals are working hard to make my life better. Maybe squirrels should learn a thing or two from birds. Birds keep bug populations down AND sing beautiful songs for my enjoyment. Instead of hoarding birds just follow that sweet warmer weather vibes and migrate spreading their lovely feathers and songs across the world. 

            Squirrels need to take the hint and pack up their little hoards and walk their stumpy legs onto a spaceship and bother some other planet for a while.

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