Spectral Insights September 2024

My dog always gets the zoomies after their bath and this is what it has taught me about scheduling your time in the office right.

By Altessa Amhuluk­

If you are a dog owner then you know how crazy your dog gets as you are drying them off after a bath. They’re clean and they are ready to zoom around the house with more joy than you can even imagine feeling at once. Once free from your grasp they bolt off at full speed to do figure eights around the coffee table until they collapse with a huge grin of satisfaction followed by a prompt nap. This efficient use of time is inspiring and got me thinking about how I can be more productive during the workday.

Here is my pup inspired tips to make you more productive:

1. Take the bath first. We all have that list of unpleasant things we want to avoid, like reading that long email you definitely will need to respond to so your coworker knows you read it fully and care. That’s why we follow the pups lead and start with looking really sad and huffing quietly to ourselves the whole time. Make sure to plead with your inbox regularly so it knows it’s torturing you enough or else it will start sending you more emails. It’ll make the rest of the day easier. 
2. Dry off and get hyped. You can’t just jump out of a bath and straight into relaxing, the house would be soaked. You have to first dry off and prepare yourself mentally for changing tasks. Drying off for me is checking LinkedIn for job postings I technically could do even though it’s a stretch, then half applying before opening a new tab to look at cat videos. A good low stakes transitioner task can lighten your mood and get you psyched up for more fun tasks like making that spreadsheet for accounting or finally adding in those memes to your powerpoint presentation. 
3. It’s Zoomie Time! Now you are ready to do those tasks that put a huge smile on your face and help you lay down at night with a satisfied sigh. That’s right, it’s time to lead that team building meeting with extra memes and make those pivot tables, because you’ve earned it! Ending the day on a high note will remind you of why you love capitalism.
    

Following these three easy tips will not only make you more productive but it will also leave you so super focused all day that ghosts won’t even have a chance to sneak in and distract you with their horniness and their gossip. I don’t care what Sue from HR did last week while on the clock, I’m too busy making the best meeting agenda you will ever see in your life!

Quiz: 

Did your BFF just ghost you or are they literally a ghost now?

1. You text your BFF asking if they want to hang out and watch a movie. How do they reply?
   1. They text back “sounds great! What time? 🙂 “
   2. They possess your phone and it speaks in a distorted voice “sounds great! What time?”
   3. They leave you on read for like 12 hours and then just message “:)” which isn’t really committing to anything. 
2. You’ve set up a perfect chill movie night with the gang which includes pizza and snacks galore! When does your BFF show up? 
   1. 20 minutes before the start time to help you set up of course!
   2. Directly on time but doesn’t eat anything, how weird!
   3. Slips in after the movie starts and peaces out while the credits start rolling. 
3. It’s twin day during spirit week, what are you two doing for it?
   1. Matching pink tank tops and black leggings because it’s Wednesday. 
   2. Insists you just match her outfit which is weird. Also, isn’t that what you saw her wearing yesterday? 
   3. Doesn’t respond to your text about coordination and just shows up in the usual pink Wednesday attire but totally a different shade than yours so you don’t really match, ugh. 
4. Your crush is texting you out of the blue but it’s about your BFF. He’s asking a lot of weird questions so before you answer you decide to screenshot it to your BFF. How does she respond? 
   1. They immediately respond, “Creepy and rude! You deserve bette. Let’s ghost him.”
   2. They possess your phone (again ugh!) to tell you they’re going to haunt his butt for a week to get him back. She also says you deserve better and you have a sweet heart to heart despite the creepy possessing the phone thing. 
   3. They leave you on read (again?!) so you text him back some vague answers. He doesn’t respond for a whole hour and just says “thanks for ratting me out. see ya never!” 
5. The first Saturday of the month you two go out for a late night of Batsquash hunting (maybe this month you’ll get a real pic!). You’re dressed in all black and have your fancy camera with you parked at the usual meeting place. What happens??
   1. Your BFF tries to sneak up on the car and spook you but you hear the crunch of the leaves under her feet and scare her instead. You both cry laugh and then head out to the spookiest road in town. Watchout Batsquash! 
   2. Your BFF sneaks up and get’s in the passenger seat without you even seeing her once then says “so which road tonight?” which scares you so bad you scream and bolt from the car running into the woods. How embarrassing!
   3. You wait at the usual spot for like an hour and keep texting “where are you? Are you okay?” She eventually responds with “Sorry, what is happening?” She forgot again. Ugh!

Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every a., 2 for every b., and 3 for every c. Now add’em up!

­ 5-9 points BFFs forever!­ You are just being paranoid for sure. You’re BFF loves you and is always down to have a great time. This is great news because you may have accidentally hit Batsquash with your truck and they totally won’t snitch on you so you’re safe.­	­ 10-15 points Ghost Alert! ­Remember when you thought you hit Batsquash just after you dropped off your BFF at her place? That wasn’t Batsquash, so you two better sit down and have a good talk. If that doesn’t work, get some soap and finally have that funeral.­	­ 16-20 points Worst Ghoster Ever!­ Your BFF is totally not your BFF anymore. The good news? She’s alive and well. Bad news? She’s a jerk and you should stop inviting her out. She no longer deserves that Batsquash painting you were making for her. Make it for yourself because you are too fabulous to worry about this person anymore.­

Why are people obsessed with being physically warm? Saunas are everywhere and now spas are also offering “warm rooms” where the temp is just higher and you sit in it. Isn’t that just a sauna but drier. Who is this for? Definitely not people who like to be at a comfortable temperature and have anything to do ever. 

I’m worried this is being pushed by lizard people to make them seem more normal. Nice try aliens, I’m not falling for your sweaty agenda. We all know you are out there creating global warming so you can take over as the dominant species and many of us are not falling for your tricks.

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